Stop Being a Guilty Muslim Mom
As a parent, I have always felt as a guilty Muslim mom: someone who feels guilty whenever she thinks about taking care of herself. Taking care of myself has never been my priority. I have always prioritized my daughter’s wellbeing over my own. We all suffer from this mom's guilt from time to time. We pay so much attention to our children being okay that we forget to take care of ourselves. Even if we think about doing something for ourselves, we start feeling guilty.
I used to feel guilty every time I left my daughter behind while I did something for myself. She needs me, I would tell myself. No one knows how to take care of her like I do, I would say.
Parental expectations from everyone kept me thinking: What if something goes wrong when I’m gone? I was always a guilty Muslim mom.
Truthfully, this voice sometimes still stops me from doing things that will improve my emotional, physical, and spiritual health. It convinces me that my mere presence in the room with my child is more valuable than anything else I want to do…
I still feel mom guilt whenever I think for myself. I feel like I am being selfish, and this mom's guilt keeps haunting me.
The Mercy of Parenthood: Battling Mom Guilt as a Guilty Muslim Mom
Our base instinct as parents is to put the needs of our children before our own. It doesn’t matter if we go hungry, as long as our children are fed. It doesn’t matter if we endure sleepless nights, as long as they are rested. It doesn’t matter if we venture into the cold without proper winter gear as long as they are dressed warmly.
This is the mercy of a parent towards her child. It is a manifestation of one of the parts of Mercy that Allah (swt) sent down to this earth.
However, when it comes to our own wellbeing and our faith, we sometimes make sacrifices for our kids dictated by parental expectations, that become detrimental to the state of our own souls.
You try your best as a parent and still feel like a guilty Muslim mom sometimes. This is a very unhealthy emotion.
An Islamic Perspective on Mom Guilt and Self-Care
Allah (swt) says in the Quran
“O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allah in what He commands them but do what they are commanded” (66:6).
We have a responsibility towards our kids to educate them, encourage them to do good, and reprimand them if they do something wrong. But we often forget ourselves in this equation. Allah (swt) says protect yourselves and your children. He mentions you first.
If you don’t protect yourself from the Fire by striving for the betterment of your own self, how can you really protect your kids? If you don’t take care of your physical and emotional health, how can you care for your children’s health?
No matter what you think, you aren’t doing something positive by neglecting yourself in favour of your children. You might secretly enjoy this martyr complex for a while. Perhaps you feed off the need to be needed and to be seen as irreplaceable.
This mom's guilt needs to end.
Self-Care Tips for the Guilty Muslim Mom
You want to be a good parent, but you can’t be one if you’re miserable. Yes, you can occupy the same space as your kids but what good will that do when you’re irritable and spaced-out all the time?
Take care of yourself. Take a course that interests you, just because. Set aside some time to read a good book. Go for walks. Leave your kids with someone you trust and study the Quran or Seerah. Whatever positive things you love to do, fit them back into your routine somehow.
Free yourself from the expectations and judgment of others. They expect you to sacrifice everything for your child, including your own well-being. They judge you for having ambitions and interests outside of parenthood. Don’t give them the time of day.
You’re not just a parent. You’re still you. You’re still a writer, an artist, a manager, a business owner, a believer…
Conclusion:
The Prophet (saw) said,
“Whoever makes the Dunya his preoccupation, then Allah will place his poverty in front of his eyes, make his affairs scattered, and nothing of the Dunya comes to him except that which has been decreed for him, and whoever makes the Hereafter his preoccupation, then Allah places freedom from want in his heart, gathers his affairs, and Dunya (worldly life) comes to him despite being reluctant to do so” (Ibn Majah).
If you focus on caring for yourself in order to please God, perfecting your relationship with Him, and doing all you can to be a positive force in this world, He will gather all your worldly affairs for you. That undoubtedly includes your family life.
So instead of feeling like a guilty Muslim mom, take care of your needs as well. Give your children time but don’t forget to make time for yourself too. Taking care of yourself means taking care of your children.
As Sue Atkins said:
“There is no such thing as a perfect parent so just be a real one”
