Taking off my Grief Glasses
When my husband passed away, I donned a pair of grief glasses. It wasn’t by choice – they just appeared on my face, promptly perched themselves on my nose, and made a home there.
Everything I saw was tinted by the lens of grief. A cup of tea was no longer a cup of tea. It was a missed chance to chat with my best friend. A load of laundry was no longer a load of laundry. It was a reminder that I’d never need to help him do laundry again.
Then heartbreak seeped into every single thing.
There were people who tried to snatch the glasses right off my face. They tried telling me, “don’t be sad – he’s in a better place!” They tried convincing me that seeing the world tinted by shades of grief was a terrible thing. But when they tried to grab the glasses from me, all they did was leave scratch marks around my eyes. Those glasses were super glued right to my face.
Even when I tried to yank them off by being completely absorbed by projects or tasks, the grief held onto me for dear life – taking root in me and promising never to let go.
But over time, the glue beneath the glasses lost its strength and it all came undone. I was able to take them off and see a cup of tea for what it was – warm comfort. I was able to see laundry for what it was – the bane of my existence. Not everything was tinted by grief anymore. And I was glad, so very glad, that my Lord helped me reach this point.
But you know what? Those glasses that so forcefully perched themselves on my nose and so proudly laid claim to a space on my face…I needed them. I needed to understand what it meant to be broken and to see everything in life differently than I did before. Because what is the point of grief if it doesn’t fundamentally change you?
I saw beautiful things through those grief glasses, too. I saw people love me and hold me up. I saw a side of Allah’s Mercy I had never seen before. I saw my duas being answered, again and again. I saw the words of the Quran come alive in my heart. I saw this life for what it truly was - temporary.
It was because of my grief-tinted vision that I experienced those things.
If you see someone with those grief glasses on – don’t try to snatch them away. It won’t work. Let them see what they see and feel what they feel. Extend your hand towards them, gently remind them of Allah’s plan and ability over all things, and patiently wait. They’ll loosen over time and with the permission and assistance of God.
Even though my grief glasses have loosened now, looking through them for so long changed the way my eyes see and heart feels. And that’s not a sad thing. That’s a beautiful thing. Alhamdulillah.
We all see the world through some kind of lens. No one is completely free of bias, or hurt, or personal perspective. Whatever lens we look through will tint our vision and change the way we view the people and things in our lives. Sometimes we can choose which glasses we put on, and sometimes we can't.
When you're able to choose, always choose gratitude :)
"...And they will say, 'Praise to Allah, who has removed from us [all] sorrow. Indeed, our Lord is Forgiving and Appreciative - He who has settled us in the home of duration out of His bounty. There touches us not in it any fatigue, and there touches us not in it weariness [of mind]'" (35:33-35).
Dear asmaa,
I have gone through every bit of the “grief glass” phase as written by you because I had gone through something similar to you. You have lost your Husband and I lost my fiance due to sudden drowning death. He was such an amazing person. May Allah swt grant him the highest Jannah. Of course you must have undergone double the times of sadness than I went through. May Allah reunite you with your beloved Husband in Jannah. With lots of Love to you dear Sister ❤
Ma sha Allah, soul touching piece.
May Allah grant all of us who have lost our love ones the patience and ability to cope and be hopefull for a better life together in Jannah (Aameen)
Ma sha Allah, soul touching piece.
May Allah grant all of us who have lost our love ones the patience and ability to cope and be hopefull for a better life together in Jannah (Aameen)
This is so eleqouently written, it is beautiful. Alhamdullilah that I have not yet had to experience anything like this but have friends who have lost loved ones. I see their hurt and it deeply hurts me to see them going through this but I don’t say anything because I feel there is nothing I can say or do that will fill that loss for them. Sometimes I feel maybe I should say something but other times I feel maybe they just want to be given some space to process the loss. Can you advise what one can do to be their for their friend without being too imposing? I really do struggle with this. May allah ease everyones affairs and may all the struggles one faces bring them back to Allah. Ameen
I remember these grief glasses very clearly when I lost my son. I remember how my daughter would bring the #AlhamdulillahForSeries gratitude journal to fill with me, the journal I kept talking about, But never filled when it was really needed. I realised that it’s not only me suffering through the grief. It was also my daughters. And I look back at all the lines we wrote and cherish them even today.
Alhamdulillah for Muhammad baby will be with Ibrahim (as).
Alhamdulillah we will meet him in jannah one day (in shaa Allah).
Alhamdulillah for Allah will be his Host.
Alhamdulillah for he won’t go through the sufferings of this dunya anymore.
Alhamdulillah for he won’t be held accountable for his actions on the day of judgement.
And just like that, these little lines of gratitude became my lifeline…your post gave me all sorts of goosebumps and memories. Jazakillah khairan katheera ❤