Islamic Parenting Principles: Shame-Free Practice

When it comes to Islamic parenting principles, it is extremely important to focus on teaching accountability in Islam. But it is important to consider the importance of shame-free parenting in Islam too so that we can nurture our children's spiritual and moral growth.

We are all aware that Islam elevated humans from the worship of powerless creations to the worship of The All-Powerful Creator. Many of our problems as individuals and communities stem from the fact that we hold ourselves to account in front of people instead of in front of God.

Shame Before the People vs. Accountability in Islam

We sometimes fail to fulfil our religious and moral duties because we fear other human beings . Or we motivate ourselves to do the right, honourable thing for the benefit of others. While pushing accountability to God to the furthest parts of our mind we forget accountability in Islam is actually about being answerable to God rather than people.

So, children should be taught to do things to win the favour and pleasure of God. To avoid the things that would displease God. As opposed to doing things to win the favour of people. And avoiding things that would bring “shame” on them and displeasure from their peers or community.

A part of Luqman’s advice to his son in the Quran :

“O my son, indeed if wrong should be the weight of a mustard seed and should be within a rock or [anywhere] in the heavens: or in the earth, Allah will bring it forth. Indeed, Allah is Subtle and Acquainted” (31: 16).

If there is something evil you have kept within yourself, even if it is hidden far away from the view of any other soul, Allah (swt) is well acquainted with it. He will easily bring it forward for you to see on the Day of Judgment.

Shame-Free Parenting in Islam

If a child is taught to be ashamed of her actions in front of people (“what will the neighbours think of you?”), she will simply hide and commit her sins in private. She will be feeling that she has somehow beaten the system by not bringing “shame” on herself and her family.

But the Islamic parenting principles and the concept of accountability in Islam do not teach this. When the child knows that it is Allah (swt) that she should be conscious of, she will understand that every sin will be brought forth. It is regardless of how secretly it is done. She will still commit sins, as we all do, but she will understand to whom she is truly accountable.

Shame-free parenting in Islam is all about not shaming the child for their mistakes, rather teaching them accountability before God. Because they will learn that attaining Allah's approval (swt) before people is much more important. Imagine that every time you are about to say:

“What will so-and-so think of you if he/she sees you speaking/dressing/acting a certain way?” to your child, think about the thought-process you are embedding in your child’s mind."

A Muslim’s motivation to conduct herself according to the commandments of Allah (swt) should be to attain His pleasure. It should be to build a sense of dignity and respect for herself.

The Consequences of Using Shame as a Teaching Tool

I remember being in middle school and attending a Quran class where we would read and memorize Quran. At one point during one of the classes, my teacher became frustrated with his students’ lack of progress in reading and memorization. In order to prove his point – which was that we were all very bad students – he made a few of us open the Quran to a random chapter and start reading.

I was one of those students. As I attempted to read from a random section of the Quran. I stumbled and I struggled with the letters, stuttering the whole way through. His response, I will never forget –

“You should be ashamed of yourself, you can’t read the Quran properly and you’re Arab! The non-Arabs read better than you.”

Shame is what I felt that day. Even many days and years that followed, I felt ashamed. Shame that I wasn’t as good as the others despite my native tongue being Arabic. For many years I avoided the parts of the Quran that made me feel ashamed and uncomfortable. I only recited the portions that I already knew by heart. Or just simply reading the English translation.

I was too ashamed to try. Only during my early university years I felt the motivation to relearn and improve my recitation. But up until this day, for the most part I avoid reciting Quran in the presence of anyone except my young daughter.

I’m afraid that this shame has followed me. Even though I have become a better and more fluent reciter with practice, Alhamdulillah. Sometimes, I still harbor the feelings of being ashamed to recite in front of anyone. I feel like as though I will be judged and scrutinized for every mistake. 

What happened in that classroom nearly 20 years ago has followed me. A man who attempted to teach his students through comparing them to one another. A man, shaming me into obedience said just one short string of words to me, and yet they have stayed with me.

They have burrowed themselves so deeply into my psyche that as an adult, I must constantly struggle against them. I challenge my own thought-process to rid myself of that negativity that has made a home within me. If one sentence could affect me so deeply,

I wonder how many children are affected by this. How parents and educators shame them for not being better students. For not being more well-behaved, more in line with what is expected of them. Thus, Islamic parenting principles do not encourage such parenting. Understand that shame-free parenting in Islam is encouraged.

Instead of teaching children that they should be ashamed of themselves for doing something incorrectly, we should encourage them gently and consistently, filling their lives with the brightness of hope and potential.

Encouraging Accountability Before God in Children

A child is a fragile, imaginative and gentle being. And you have a choice. You can foster their natural curiosity and optimism and you can motivate them. This can be done by helping them understand their accountability before God in the true sense of accountability in Islam.

You can enrich their world-view by building up their self-esteem and their holistic understanding of themselves and their world. Or you can destroy it all through constant shaming.